I know I’ve been a little quiet lately, but a lot has happened in the last month. Ultimately, cycle 18 ended up not happening. And I went through a gamut of emotions ranging from extremely upset, depressed to content and happy. It’s been a hard month for me to cope with, and I’ve just now felt like I could (should) write about it.
The start of the cycle began the same as any other. I had my ultrasound, everything looked fine, I started my next round of letrozole. About halfway through my cycle, I ended up having severe diarrhea. Not your normal, metformin-esque, run to the toilet fast – but the kind where within five minutes of eating I had to find a bathroom. About 12 times a day. (Hint: Tucks Pads help alleviate some of the…discomfort with this).
Needless to say, I visited my doctor.
As it turns out, Cycle 16 was the gift that kept on giving. Due to the heavy dose, broad-spectrum antibiotic that I was given in the hospital, and subsequently sent home with, I ended up with a moderate case of C. Diff. C. Diff is an intestinal bacteria that lives within the intestinal flora of many people. However, what happens is that sometimes when you take a broad spectrum antibiotic it will kill off the good bacteria, and if the bad bacteria is resistant to the antibiotic, it starts to multiply. And without the good bacteria to help keep it in check, it can start to infest your gut.
Ultimately, if left unchecked, C. Diff. can cause severe problems and lead to a stay in the hospital.
Needless to say, this is not desired. As such, all of my doctors wanted to get on top of the infection and get it under control. Unfortunately (and somewhat ironically, the treatment for C. Diff is antibiotics. More specifically, Metronidozole. Which is not safe for pregnancy. In fact, it’s so hard on your system that the RE had me stop my Metformin for the duration of the antibiotic treatment.
I’m sure you can see where this is going…
Because of the infection and treatment, we had to cancel my IUI cycle. I was so upset by this, after cycle 16 in the hospital and cycle 17 where the timing was off, that I spent about a week just severely depressed. Just thinking about it made me tear up and cry. And for the first time ever, I broke down on the phone with the nurse at the fertility clinic discussing wether or not I should take my trigger shots (I was concerned about cysts). I apologized profusely about being upset, but the truth was that if one more thing went wrong, I was probably going to break. I simply was out of capacity to deal with it.
As it was, we already had to postpone our re-conference with the RE and try two more IUI cycles, since we hadn’t TRULY completed the first treatment plan. I just wasn’t going to be able to handle something going wrong the follow month. At this point I pretty much felt the Universe was against me and that maybe this just wasn’t meant to be. In my mind, there was simply no other reason I could think of at the time for why this was happening.
It took some time, but once I accepted that we were going to have a set back, I started to feel okay. And then okay turned into better. And eventually better turned into good. In time I realized that the break was actually good for me. A month without stress. A month where I wasn’t constantly wondering about what my body was doing. And slowly I started feeling a little more like ME. And it was kind of nice. I just felt a little lighter, things didn’t seem so bad. And I was…relaxed. Something I don’t think I’ve truly been in a fairly long time.
In addition, some other good things happened. The best of which is that my last CRP results showed that my CRP was down to 6.5 (from 12.5 the prior 6 weeks, and 17 prior to that). This is probably the most exciting thing that has happened in a very long time. Unfortunately, I’m not entirely sure what is causing the drop, since 4 things I have changed since it dropped. I’d had a tooth infection cleared. My plaquenil has been in my system long enough to start noticing effects. I had an intestinal infection cleared. And, lastly, I swapped to mostly organic eating.
Robert teased me that this is the exact reason that they only change one factor when they are testing things at work. Because we don’t know WHICH change is making progress, and we don’t want to stop anything because SOMETHING is working and we don’t want to risk backsliding.
Regardless, it’s something that made me really happy. For the first time in a long time I feel like maybe my body is going to be on board with this whole baby thing. For the first time I feel like something is progressing. And, going into Cycle 19 I feel something that I’ve been too afraid to acknowledge for a long time: hope.
So my status right now is that I’ve cleared my C. Diff infection, I’ve restarted my Metformin (although I have to work my way back to a full dose gradually) and my inflammation appears to be going down at rapid rates. We are going to talk to the nurse about doing the advance auto-immune bloodwork this month and we have a re-conference scheduled at the end of July.
All things considered, even though the start of the month was heartbreaking, it turned out to be an alright month. And I find myself invigorated and excited to get started on my next cycle over the next few days.