Nothing and everything has happened since my last post. I’m still not pregnant and we have yet another month where we cannot try, and I cannot start the infertility treatments. I go between feeling very sad, frustrated and hopeless. Somedays I wonder why I just can’t catch a fucking break, and others I wonder if perhaps things just aren’t meant to be, and perhaps it’s simply time to just move on to something else. But I’m stubborn, and not one to give up on something easily once I’ve set my mind to it.
Perhaps we should start at the beginning of this story.
About two weeks ago I woke up with severe pain in my right side, right under my appendectomy scar. It hurt every time I pee’d. After having this happen for two days straight, I called the doctor who had me come in for another one of those unpleasant ultrasounds. And what I learned is that I had a very large cyst in my right ovary. Seven centimeters wide and five centimeters tall. Large enough that they were contemplating needing to operate to remove it because they feared that I was at risk of losing the ovary due to the cyst cutting off the blood supply it was receiving.
Of course, this happened a matter of days before I was getting ready to head to California for a convention and visit to Disneyland. So the doctors had to make a decision. Allow me to go, or advise me to stay. Ultimately they decided that because it was just under the size where they would recommend immediate surgery, they wanted to observe it for a few days. They told me to go ahead with my trip, but to be very cognizant of what my body was doing. If I experienced severe pain for greater than ten minutes, I was to get to an emergency room immediately. They also told me to be “selective” about what rides I rode at Disneyland.
Just to kick me while I was down, my period started the day before we left for California. Because my body simply felt that a big fat “fuck you” was in order, and that it hadn’t caused me enough consternation. To make matters worse, because of aforementioned giant cyst I couldn’t utilize tampons during my cycle. Talk about a completely miserable time.
Fortunately, the trip was without event and upon my return to Seattle I wet back in for yet another ultrasound. This time it showed that the cyst had started to consume itself and had shrunk significantly. Now it was only five centimeters by four centimeters. This was great news, as it meant that I didn’t require surgery. But bad news in that it meant I can’t try to conceive this cycle because pregnancy hormones feed cysts. In addition to that, I can’t start any of the testing yet (again) because the hormones created by the giant cyst would throw everything off, rendering the tests inaccurate.
At least I know that my body is flowing with a mountain of extra estrogen, which is making me an emotional mess. Otherwise I’d be worried that I’m turning into a huge sap. Well, more than I usually am, that is. I don’t know. Sometimes it just feels like too much.
In other news, we got back the results from Robert’s sperm analysis and everything there is good. No problems. I am of two minds on this. The first is happy because it means that there is one less thing we have to worry about. But the other is very sad because it means that I am definitely the problem. And I have no idea how to solve it or make it right.
So I guess there we are for now.
Waiting, again. Waiting to try. Waiting for tests. Just…waiting for everything. I am hopeful that everything rights itself this month so that I can finally start treatments. So that I can finally get the bloodwork and procedures required to start the initial run on what is causing the infertility. I would just like answers. I would lie to feel like I am going something. I would like to see some glimmer of light at the end of this ever growing, and seemingly neverending journey.